Thursday, December 23, 2010

Foodimentary.



Among all the delicacies available in Suasana Foodcourt KLCC, nothing beats the taste, the exhilaration, and the blasphemous feeling that this food has to offer. Seriously, it's "TERBAEK"! (the best)

Not even the one in The Curve could beat this one. Nasi Ayam Penyet AP is better than Waroeng Penyet. It is undoubtedly the best.

p/s: Best to eat when you are loaded with problems. It'll whistle all your tensions out! XD

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Up-in-the-Skybridge.




I can't really say how Malaysianized I am. Being a Selangorian (and not a KLite), I hardly ever explore Selangor to say the least, let alone KL which is surrounded by it. So, when I got the chance to visit the famous attraction for the first time in my 25 years of living, I had to say I was quite ecstatic, albeit feeling deadbeat tired. I was so tired that I couldn't even finish my lunch, which was Spaghetti Napolitana, which tasted and presented quite..weird. Too gravy-ish.

I had to say, though, that cronysm or conflict of interest did occur upon my entering the facility, when some hotshot granted entrance to these two visitors who were queueing behind me and my group of students. As hard-hearted as I am, not to mention my degree of DIVA-ness, however dormant it is now, though it can be awakened at any time, mind you *flips hair*, I didnt bulge an inch when the gatekeeper tried to stall my entrance at 1620 to 1640. As I told off to his face, "We demand to be admitted now", we were then, despite being separated by half of the crews, ushered to a separate section, when we were then escorted to the elevator, after having gone through a checkpoint a la airport security.

All the hustle and bustle and the ruckus just for the mere 15 minutes *shot of fame, not a chance, lol* of stay on the bridge. 'Twas awesome, though. Experiencing the bird eyes view of the city and her glorious concrete jungle of a panorama.

Now that I have experienced the Skybridge, what's next? Most probably the Observation Deck on level 80. That ought to be AWESOMER.

Itchy.

Ever since I bought the new netbook, I kinda have the itch to make it as portable as possible. I thought that being lightweight and compact, it would have been no problem at all going online in the train or at Starbucks, to say the least. Little did I know that how mountainous the workload would be. More hours here, extra there, it was suffice to say that I hardly ever get the chance to even flip it open on my workdesk.

Speaking of which, some colleagues of mine, whether they were bantering about it or they really meant it, they made remarks on my workstation as being 'homely' and inviting. Of course, with side jokes as well. *smirk*

Now that I think about it, there were too much things happening. I guess I'll start picking up blogging again. I sure hope that the next entry will not be in months to come.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

3 months, a Convocation and a few assets after.



It has been a very long while since I last blogged. Sept 7, to be exact. When working was still a rising beeyotch and not drop-dead-ups-and-downs and minus the classes I have taught, seminars and workshops I have been to, and a few things which I have proudly bought with my own money, the money I earnestly earned from my salaries.

After countless movie 'marathon' and dates with Tatie sayam and the students, the hangouts, the storytelling sessions, the blog-readings and all, I am still too numb to blog.

Nevertheless, I've graduated with B.Ed. (Hons) TESL and am now looking forward to doing my Master in Linguistics. Universiti Malaya, here I come.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Of Qualms and Whatnots.

Hello again. Such a short dismissal it was, indeed.

Haha.

Even at the mentioning of the word 'indeed' reminded me strikingly to a wonderful colleague of mine. He is the epitome of funny, honest guy and to be able to be funny while being plain honest to be is wonderful.

Here I am, in the solitary confinement of this nostalgic library, a stranger among the familiars.

These past few months have taught me important lessons. The lessons which I would possibly not be having should I work somewhere else and not in an internationally-composited environment. I learnt that while other things being different (and not equal, economically and physically speaking), some values remain universal. The beauty of looking at people from entirely different walks of life, literally an entire world of difference, shows some promises that we are all one. Living under the same sky no matter where we are or where we are from, is such a relieving feeling. Initially, I was having doubts as to how much the continuum of acceptance be between myself and the 'other side of the world'. Would they be condescending? Would they be demanding? Would they be utterly unsatisfiable? Those questions whirled and whirled in my mind, having not stepped outside my cocoon of feeling I was the only one in this world, and living the life while other people who are of the same kind as I am.

I had to say, it was not quite an easy experience. I remember the very first time I was given the task to be approaching the foreign bunch, I was feeling uptight and VERY INSECURE. I kept thinking, "What if I looked silly in front of them?" "What if they did not accept me?" Yes, all sorts of those 'WHAT IFs' were running wild in my mind.

And the chronicle ceases here. Till next time.

Tadaima!

Well hello again blog. *Mode:Rustic*

I have not been blogging for the past few months (not that I was an ardent blogger, mind you) and I definitely missed the time when I would get all hyped and pysched up to blog as if I'm Mr. Somebody. The reason is, work life has been quite a bitch. Okay, quite may be an understatement. Allow me to deliberate, to 'paint the picture', albeit grotesquely.

First of all, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to Allah S.W.T. for giving me this opportunity to have a career, and yes, to end up as a teacher. *Cue standing ovation*. LOL. Thing is, truth be told, I used to have a knack on teaching, but not so much anymore. Despite that, I was thankful enough to have a job soon after I completed my 4-year-long studies. Of course, the door was opened, by the means of the wonderful Dr. I (whom reputation is marvellous) who introduced me to this wonderful idea of this company with THREE-LETTER WORD. An acronym, to be exact. At first, I was excited of the idea of getting a scholarship and doing internship a la Running in Heels. Little did I know, that it was a far cry.

Dwelling on the past does not make me a grumbler or a grunter; rather, it just reinforces what I have seen, tasted and experienced in hindsight - that there are more thorns that roses, anyways. I consider blogging and talking about work as a way and means to express, to vent the pent up 'energy' that I am stocking inside me, as if blowing hard into a plastic bag. Phew, it sure is rejuvenating.

And the ramblings stop here.

Till next time, WA.

Monday, May 24, 2010

This is not goodbye.

To quote from Miss Nina Azmi's wonderful potluck.

As I submitted my thesis aka Academic Exercise (AE) this morning, it strike me into the feeling of 'THIS IS IT'. 4 years of dwelling in the Faculty of Education to get a Bachelor's Degree. Specifically, to get a Bachelor in Education (Honors) Teaching English as Second Language, otherwise known as B.Ed. (Hons) TESL.

Me and TESL...what is the relationship between us? What's with all the fuss about WA and TESL, you ask? Allow me to reminisce in this blogosphere of mine.

I know, and a lot of my friends know, that I am the one they call as 'Ratu REPEAT'. Not repeat as in repeating subjects that I fail or so, but repeating what I had been through over and over again, and with regard to TESL, this is no exception :D

It all started back in 2003, when I first enrolled in the varsity in UiTM Lendu, Alor Gajah, Melaka. During MMS, I couldn't help but to notice this one group of 'active' and 'interesting' people on one side of the hall, always seemed to be entertaining themselves and enjoyed every moment of them there.

Needless to say, I soon discovered that they were the ones whom people fancy calling them as TESLIANS. Qilah Wahi, Anas Abd Manaf, Sheena Shaha, JijieWijie, Nuffy Mahdi, I could NEVER forget one of the first times that I tried to associate myself with the Pre-TESLian. It was Karnival Camelia and I gotta be honest, I was more than excited to have the integrative motivation to take on TESL first thing the following semester.

So what did I do?

I wasted no time applying to change courses to Pre TESL, even to extend to which I cannot mention here, that I became so excited and confident, more like self-fulfilling prophecy it was, that I announced to the whole class of my then DBS colleagues that I was going to take TESL the following semester, that I would be missing them much, that they wished me luck, and not to mention, many expressed confusion as to my 'hasty' decision. Did you still remember it, Wan Nur Hidayah? What I remembered vividly was the scene where myself and my classmates were in the IMK class, IMK stands for Insan dan Manhaj Ketuhanan, the place was the HEP building, the class was one of the AD's students' classes available in the building. I said it casually, I said it excitedly, I said it abashedly, unabashedly, all the emotion were running wild at that time.

So what happened? Did I get it?

No. I did not get it. To my surprise (and not), I failed to realize that to change courses, I also needed to make a formal application to the PTPTN for that matter, and my failing to do so required no more justification. T__T What made it even worse was that not only that I was waiting like FOREVER for the response, the letter actually arrived at the wrong Pejabat Kolej, you know, the one situated near the lake, surrounded by Blok B and C.

So I withstood the 'humiliation' of not getting to take Pre TESL for the next 5 semesters of my study in UiTM Lendu, all the while mustering the patience into wanting to make it for my Bachelor's Degree. To curb my longing, I started befriending the Pre TESLian from my own batch up to my sixth and final semester in Lendu that I usually knew a few of them from each batch, even up until now. I know of Anep, Hazel, Falliq, Aainaa, Bear, Sufi, Tajul, Nadiah, and many more, long before I could consider myself a TESLian as well. I remembered this one occasion where myself and Falliq and a few others went to Segamat for poetry recitation and I remembered vividly that was when I started befriending Falliq, so to speak.

Many were skeptical that I was still going to further in TESL for my Bachelor's Degree. A lot were of the opinion that my interest would wane, wither and die away just like a bonfire which loses its prickly heat and its color and intensity as time passed by. I realized, even while I was learning the subjects of Management, Business Math, Cost Accounting, Business Law, Human Resource, Introduction to Marketing, International Business, Finance, Business Development and Principles and Practices of Selling, I did not want to lose focus on the VERY ONE thing that I had targeted, aimed at and eyed for for the last 3 years. I remembered that one of the criteria to change courses was to get a minimum of 2.0 GPA and seeing the clause, I could not help but to think that had I scored more than was minimumly set at, it would be quite an easy breezy (Cover Girl, LOL) path for me. But no, the road was not all clear, the pavement was not quite paved for me. I remembered having difficulties in Business Accounting, on doing the Debit and Credit, balancing the ledger and all, that I almost gave up. But, seeing that the clause to change courses require that I PASSED all the subjects, I persevered and I MUST say that without the wonderful tutelage of the then lecturer, Puan Sharifah Zarina (Langit Ketujuh sangat, hihi) I COULD NOT make it to the next stage, much less on 'graduating' from Part 1 of Diploma in Business Studies (DBS).

I must say that I still have and I still hold tight to the letter which mentioned that my application to change to Pre TESL, P1020 (correct me if I'm wrong, I do not have it with me now, hihi) was rejected, and with that in my hand, I went to the interview of B. Ed (Hons) TESL in May, 2006. I remembered going to Shah Alam FOR THE FIRST TIME and felt totally alien. I remembered staying in Kolej Meranti where my friends were at and went to the first Degree interview that was Bachelor in Mass Communication (Journalism) at the faculty in the main campus and was quite delighted to see one or a few other of my friends from DBS to sit for the same exam and interview. Needless to say, I was turned down for the interview as I mentioned that TESL was my first choice and not this.

I remembered being interviewed by Madam Norsiah and one other free-haired lecturer, I just couldn't remember whether it was Mdm Marina or Mdm Adzura. It must be Mdm Marina then.

Needless to say, I was accepted into B. Ed (Hons) TESL not long after that and from then began my 'reign' as Diva, Ratu, whatever you name it. Mode: Vain. haha.

So as I sit in front of this lappy, reminiscing on today's episode where I submitted my AE to my supervisor whom I had broke down in tears the other week (huhu), exchanging greetings with my UBER WONDERFUL lecturer of Methodologies in Teaching Reading who then became my Program Coordinator and later, Vice Dean of Student Affairs (woot2!), it saddens me to think that all the lethargic, drama-ish journey for the last 4 years had finally come to the end. No more of going to UiTM Dungun in 2007 for Training of Trainers (TOT) to get certified to become a UiTM facilitator, no more of going to Teratai for the meeting of facilitators at night, waiting for the bus from Sec16, and waiting from Mawar to catch the last bus.

No more of going to PTAR to borrow books, alone or with Wan Nurul Fyda, or Rebecca Chin, or Hazmil my housemate. No more of going to HEP to get the free wifi till I realized that it was one helluva trekking to climb to get to the HEP while carrying the heavy notebook that I decided to subscribe to Maxis Broadband. No more of riding the Rapid KL bus with Wan Nurul Fyda, mostly when it was first introduced, when the route was one way from Hentian Pusat Bandar to Seksyen 15 to Seksyen 17 and not passing through Seksyen 2.

No more of craving for Nasi Lemak Jati and 'gigih' went buying for the scrumptious delicacies at a very reasonable price (read: MURAH). No more of 'catwalking' around Seksyen 2. No more of taking Rapid T602 from Seksyen 8 to Seksyen 2, then take T529 to Seksyen 17 where the faculty is at.

No more of being teased and ridiculed at (LOL) for being myself and being proud of it, for I have shown my worth, and my professionalism through and through, particularly during my practicum.

No more of reminiscing the first day of induction at the Dewan MBSA in Seksyen 17, alone before meeting and knowing Ella and Syara and became bestest bud ever since, sharing much in common from all were from diploma and all stay in Gombak. No more of being name-called as this and that, though I had not enjoyed the experience, they were still...MEMORABLE.

No more of going to and fro the faculty to the Language Academy (APB) back in Part 4 when the result was out and all of us in one class received an 'F' for our Report Writing.

No more of ENJOYING EVERY SECOND of being in the Nihongo (Japanese) class with the UBER WONDERFUL CHEERFUL BUBBLY Sensei Habibah. No more of enjoying the nerve-wrecking experience of assembling outside the Dewan Raja Muda in Seksyen 7, waiting for the moment to enter and answer our 3rd language paper.

No more confiding of 'dirty little secrets' with trusted friends and BFFs. No more throwing tantrums and getting tantrums from lovers and haters equally.

No more of wearing wiggielicious (hihi) after buying it back in 2007 with Sufi in Pandan Jaya and been wearing it since. Wiggielicious, it has been a WONDERFUL 3 years anniversary, has it not?

No more of TESL Day Out and met and greeted the WONDERFUL Waniey, Mean, Shella, Eugenia and others.

No more of going to Bukit Cerakah with Waniey and Mean. Ironically, now that I live very near to Bukit Cerakah now, I had never once set my foot on that place again.

No more of the WONDERFUL sessions with the WONDERFUL and the BEST lecturer of TESL ever to me, Puan Rohaya Abd Wahab, who is more than just a lecturer and a practicum supervisor to me. She was like a mother, a sister and a friend everyone wishes to have.

One question remains, what does it feel for WA to be enrolled in TESL after 3 years of waiting? Did it make Wa a proud teslian? Did the association between Wa and TESL was established? Was Wa a WA Tesl?

Frankly speaking, I had never bogged myself down to the label of TESLian or DBS-ian or anything. As far I am concern, there was never once that I took pride and felt might of me being a WA TESL nor that I had the conviction to say that I was a TESLian in the first place. TESL is a program for me to explore my interest in, and such, is my prized trophy, but was not so much of a part of me that needs bragging or succumbing to the danger of self-fulfilling prophecy.

As much as Semester 8 aka the final semester (Insya-Allah) is concerned, despite the seminar, the bakings, the learning to do research and SPSS, the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the MELTDOWNS (huhu) and all, I'd like to express here how BLESSED I am to have taken TESL.

Sure, had I taken BBA in the first place, I would have graduated and probably be working for almost 2 years now and not getting a Bachelor's Degree at the age of 25 (during the convocation *hint hint*). But I felt EMPOWERED by the decision that I made on my own, of not having qualms and regret later on in life. I often told myself, TESL is what I had wanted to do ever since day one (or two or three, hihi) and I never wanted to live a life where, at the age of late 20s or 30s (kalau umur panjang, hihi) that I regret not taking TESL while I was still young and more focused and have more attention span (I hope, hihi).

In the final analysis, sure I had made great friends, rivals, enemies, frenemies and so on during the 'painstakingly' long duration of 4 years of study. But did I regret a single day of living my life for the last 4 years? NEVER. (cewah). To not regret may seem less of a human, but to dwell on the feeling of regret is just a crybaby.

I promise you, this is not goodbye. Those dearly to me, I shall forget you not. I shall never forget those who made me a WA TESL. Despised, adorned, scorned, scoffed, praised, name-called, labelled, hated, LOVED, all the experience had made my last 4 years of life so much more meaningful.

In the end,

I shall be telling this with a sigh,
Somewhere ages and ages hence,
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I,
I took the one less travelled by,
AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

My all-time favorite poem ever. Signing off.

Love, WA.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

MENJAGA HATI - Yovie dan Nuno.

Bukan senang nak senang, dan bukan susah nak susah. Kan?

Tak susah kan nak jaga hati orang? Jangan cakap merepek2 konsep2 tak sayang mulut. Jangan buat muka macam ko je ada muka. Jangan jadi talam. Jangan pura2 angelic depan setan di belakang.

Tak susah semua itu. Tapi ada orang feeling2 nak nampak lagi baik, lagi bagus dari orang lain.

Kenapa ek? Adakah dengan kelihatan sebegitu maka fungsi tubuh ko pon akan lebih bagus dari manusia-manusia biasa?

Same je aku tgok. Fisiologi bagai. Takde pun ko tetibe jadik superhuman.

Aku malas lah. Hidup dah puluh tahun (aku dah 25) tapi pi mai pi mai tang tu jugak. Di takuk lama. Feeling2 urban la, apa la, bercinta macam orang kampung jugak. Kecewa feeling terjun bunuh diri jugak, takde lak orang kampung wat camtu. Poyo tau orang feeling2 urban ni. Kalo ko makan tdo buang air same mcm org lain tkde beza pun. Bukannye kasta ko tetibe naik jadi urban hanj watver tu.

Jaga hati ni lagi penat dari jaga lembu kambing. Lembu kambing leh tambat, leh hambat, leh sebat. Ni hati? Time kita, salah cakap sikit, salah buat sikit, kene JUIH uolz! Buat muka cam haramsss. Time dia, oh, dialah bagus, dialah hebat, DIA JELAH ADA PERASAAN.

Nape aku emo? Well, kenapa tidak?

Adakah kerana aku nampak ceria maka aku tidak boleh emo?

Damn lah ko yang membuat jiwa aku kacau. Aku duk umah parent ni senang je ati. Balik sane je sibuk kene fikir nak jaga hati tu la, ni la.

Sehabis baik menjaga hati, SEIKHLAS mana pon, mulut orang tetap mulut orang. Pantang kita cakap belakang sket, dia kata NGUMPAT. FITNAH. Tang dia je katenye NASIHAT. FUKIEH ko nasihat.

Penat jadik class clown ni. Atau clown la in general senang cerita. ORANG HANYA SUKA BILA KITA BUAT LAWAK. Ceriakan orang lain. BILA KITA EMO, HABIS AH. Macam kita ni takde perasaan. Takde masalah.

Takpelah pasni dah masuk dunia baru. Dunia yang tak perlu nak bermuka-muka, cium bontot orang, hipokrit semata-mata nak disukai. At least aku tak macam lalang, time baik dgn orang tu, pergunakan sepenuhnya, time tak baik tu, tinggal camtu jek. Biarlah aku tak ramai kawan asalkan aku stick with the same crowd.

Dalam manusia tu ada segumpal daging. Baik daging tu, baiklah manusia itu. Tak baik maka tak baik la manusia tu. Itulah hati. Baik tu besar pengertiannya. Moral kena baik. Perangai kena baik. Mulut kena baik.

JUST LEAVE BITCH-TALKING TO THE BITCH, shall we?

'Coz when you start doin it, don't it make you a BITCH yourself?

Should I say, welcome to the club, now?

DAA!

Friday, May 7, 2010

The Urge.

Lately, I don't feel too good. Felt like the surrounding is giving off too much negative vibes. I dunno.

Despite that, I try to be 'religious' on my exercise routine. I wanna shed off this 7 extra kilos I had gained after the practicum.

That aside, I feel like laughing. HARD.

They say that every story has its two sides. Like two sides of the coin. Now hear to my side of the story.

I guess I pretty much couldn't care less about the criticism since as far i know of, I had bared it all. No reservation, open book that I am, despised, praised, I feel the same.

Enough talking about myself. My point is, I don't get people who are reserved and suddenly blurted out things 'out of the blue'.

To each his own is damn right. Yet to sound as if you're mocking someone else at the fact of their disclosure and you aren't and you take pride in it I think is just frickin twisted.

You feel secure because you aren't judged because people don't see the real you. And yet you pass judgment like balls like you don't have one. CUTE? My ass.

I wish to speak for myself. At the end of the day, God knows me best. Not you, not the society, and to some extent, not even my family.

So for you and just about anyone to blatantly name-call and label me as if you're my other half is just sick. NO MATTER WHAT FACADE I PULL OFF, it's just another mask that I put on that may be oblivious to you that I was trying to make peace and enlighten the mood. Unlike you and you who being EMO AS IF YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAVE FEELINGS.

I talk from experience, cuz I've been name-called before. In an academic setting. And I lived through it gloriously.

Words from a nobody like you hardly fizzles me. It doesn't even tickle my funny bone. You're a pathetic person, don't you know that?

There you are, at one point wanting to be heard and all, and on the other point, you're playing reserved and start pulling off those cheap stints only ppl like u would do.

I'm getting sick of CLOSED BOOKS. They are as worthless and unattractive as the dumps on the side of the road.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

How Do You Define Learning?

It occurred to me on a flash just a few while ago that learning is not about end result. Neither it is about the process.

I realized that learning is all about oneself. Not about connecting to God, or connecting to others. Or at least that is what my epiphany told me of. It made me feeling quite melancholic thinking that hrmm, where does all the 'till death do us part, what are friends for" thingy kind of chants go to?

It is confounding for me to witness how certain people who claim to have teacher-like qualities are the ones who actually deviate the farthest. Instead, I see a number of 'outcasted' people, branded as 'disgrace' and 'injustice' who actually fit the bill much more significantly and most importantly, HUMANELY than those who seem to be putting up the innocence persona.

Today, I received the offer letter from the ELS company and was confused over the terms which state that the scholarship is for 12 months and that the amount is RM4,500 over the scholarship duration. Pardon my math, but doesn't it feel that I am getting less than RM500 per month? And what the heck is 12 months? Internship or slavery? I rang the company asking for clarification and they forwarded the matter to the person-in-charge and unforbloodytunately, the reply is yet to be received. I've had it with ELS. Tomorrow is the last day, where I shall give my ultimatum.

Coming back to the topic, hell yes I deliberated on the true meaning of being outside the box, and it occured to me that some people do not even give a damn about either process or result - they were there because they were there. Lamenting on the process and grieving over the result put me hanging between the sky and the earth, perplexed by the uncertainness of their course of action.

This reminds me greatly of what Pn. Normaliza, a counselor invited for the seminar talked of. Of PASSIVITY and whatnot. And it struck me into the realization that sometimes, passive people can be active in their own right. Passive people who blend in with just about anyone, and entertain and woo the crowd with their silent charm that kills. On the other hand, we have those so-called ACTIVE people who claim to be downright active when situation calls, they simply back away and CITE tens of thousands of reasons just to not get involved. Passivity to me, works better and in a more positive tone each time - avoiding conflict, preventing distasteful, and tending the hearts.

The ONE thing I really could not quite fathom is that how can a self-proclaimed teacher-to-be with passion (so to speak) be so selfish that it stinks? It baffles me into thinking how a hand that should be extended to the ones who need is instead contracted and contorted of. Hence we come to the topic of this post.

HOW DO YOU DEFINE LEARNING?

Do you define it measurable to your own ability to understand?

In other words, do you learn just for yourself?

To each, his own, they say.

I can hardly crack to laughter these days.

Vain and may be self-fulling to say this, but I appreciate learning better when it is shared. You can imagine how surprised I am when things such as 'cooperative learning' and 'grouping' remain only laughing stocks.

It all comes down to the saying 'sharing is caring'. You share because you care. When you don't, well, need I say more?

Learning is most sweet when what we know of we share of and not keep it to ourselves.

And people deem you as 'candles' who burn itself for the sake of enlightening the massive darkness.

You're a brief candle indeed. Forsaken and forgotten.

Monday, March 8, 2010

A Hurried Post.

To me, potential is simple. It's challenging yourself over the limit you impose to yourself.

Potential is triggered when you had experienced life-changing experience.

To me, that happened after SPM, when I flopped badly I didn't even want to reminisce.

It was from there, where I picked up the bits and pieces, of what's left of me, my pride and my dignity and from there, I started charting my life, particularly with another life-changing event that was applying to change program to Pre TESL.

I didn't make it, it was heartbreaking, I failed to see the clause on loans and I served up my time in Lendu.

I NEVER REGRET ANY SINGLE MINUTE BEING THERE.

Because life has always been full with things that change your life in one way or another, I learnt a very important lesson of not being static and comfy with the status quo.

Despite my shabby appearance, I want to say that I believe that I am highly competitive, but not to the extend of being a cutthroat. I peered at and poses questions asking of others' result in the most subtle way as I saw it, at the same time remaining very grounded over the fact that this knowledge and so-called genius-ness are just again, loans from God.

What I do believe that people always undermine themselves in the first place. I want to say that though I am not high and might with the way I am, I am proud and grateful that because of the way I am, I am constantly fed with challenges day by day, and I try to live my life through meeting up with the challenges.

This is my way of seeing DISEQUILIBRIUM. By even-ing myself with the 'standards' of the society, when I had fulfilled all but one standard, I find it to be too trivial to dwell on matters such as appearance. Because by comparison, you have much more flaws than I do, and you take pride in but one matter and that is all. So you tell me who is shallow now.

I am no preacher nor a valedictorian to spread out any 'word of wisdom'. I am TIRED. REALLY. Tired of fulfilling all those expectations. I don't want to end up being labelled stereotypically as the 'misfit who doesn't really have good qualities' so I rise up to the challenge. Potential, consciously or subconsciously is and must be cultivated at whatever risk available.

Because at the end of the day, I don't only want to prove them wrong with their 'allegations and accusations', I want to prove myself wrong as well. That I can be better. That I don't live up to other people's expectation.

If still, at the end of the day, you only see me with my outward appearance, it is up to you. My potential is mine to be cultivated. How I cultivate it, I think I have pretty much laid it. Your potential is your right. Exercise the right. Don't talk of the status quo if you're not ready to be challenged.

Just remember that, NO ONE is born stupid. And by no one it covers all the misfits as well, be it black, fat, or fags.

I can learn as much as you can. One is not all.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Do YOU have it?

I'm going to talk about POTENTIAL and this post is going to be 'dedicated' to Nazri Jelani aka Nazz.

I'm gonna need some time to put the bits and pieces together, though.

'Bear with me'! Ngee

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Last Night.

A sense of revelation came to me.

That I'd probably been talking more than I should be.

That I'd been caring for more things than I should.

That I'd been caring less for things I should be.

What is this feeling? This epiphany? So I asked myself last night. It felt calm and yet quite melancholic at the same time.

Is it just me?

From today onwards I decide to revert into being the old me. The one that I know most of. The one that I identify with. The one that needs no identification to others.

It had been tiring over the past month not so much on serious matters but on trivial things which could be avoided had I the courage and the will to put a stop to it.

What is it in this life that I want to accomplish?

What lacks?

What is excessive?

Where is the love?

I need to find those answers.

p/s: Tomorrow's the ESL internship interview. I've been disappointed for so many times that it matters little nowadays. I need a girdle ;p

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Passing of January.

Tadaima, burogu-chan. It's been a (month) while.

For some reason, I don't really feel like blogging. And I pity those who did and suffer just because it happened that the WEBLOG which their daily lives were documented were scrutinized. VERY THE.

We noticed how it went, but chose to ignore the passing of january, 2010. Hence, along came february. I was no exception. However, as much an 'ignorant' I had been, fortunately a few of my resolutions were achieved.

For example, I went to Singapore with dear friends last Friday midnite till Sunday early morning and that was my very first experience of being 'oversea', or outside the border of the dearly motherland that is Malaysia.

Being in Singapore, it certainly had liberated me from being too inward looking without me even realizing it. All these while, at the comfort of the nation and the status quo, we had the tendency into thinking that none feels better than at home. I beg to differ. Being in Singapore, such a small country island, yet with such planned environment, it gave me new perspective in life. Enuff said.

I always had this writer's block upon facing the computer screen. I guess my biggest problem with blogging is that I often wonder and even ridicule at my own writings into thinking who in the world would read my ramblings.

But at the moment, I feel that I needed an outlet for me to express and to channel all the bottled up emotions and whatnot that I had been keeping for at least the month long of January.

I dread knowing the timeline of AE. Thesis writing had never been my forte. I don't think I have the researcher's quality, nor the passion at the moment to pursue any research activity.

I dread knowing I'm turning 25 this year without a soulmate to complete the self of mine. It makes me wonder, where did I go wrong along the journey called life to having had missed the bliss of love. Cewah so lovey dovey. LOL

I dread knowing that I had gained weight ever since the last Raya and that those 'baby weights' are not shedding themselves off and instead hopping into my bandwagon. It has been tiring and heavy ever since T___T

On a brighter note, I bought a new phone, Nokia E63 to satisfy one (or two, or a combination) of the deadly sins which is greed and envy. Throughout my varsity as well as the shortlived practicum lives, I had witnessed various people with fancy phones on their palms. Looking at my meager mediocre tool, sometimes I couldn't help to feel inferior and insignificant. Oh Em Ji the digital-nerd syndrome. The utmost reason for the purchase is really to view the documents on the phone and started donning the executive 'air'. LOL. Sometimes I wonder why am I still holding on to my PSP without playing it myself and handing over the gameplay sessions to my kyodai (siblings) instead.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am one of those who like the idea of having something, and never wanting to let it or them go. Yes I am living by the past. The experience of going to KL from Low Yat to finally Sg Wang where I bought the console along with Wan Nurul Fyda was a priceless experience. Gigih ni naik bas Rapid pegi beli. I remembered swooning over the handheld and couldn't wait till I arrived home that I started fiddling with Final Fantasy Crisis Core and being blown away by the graphics. And later on playing Tekken which I never really understood on the craft of playing one. I really wonder where did the excitement of playing all the games go now T___T

I am also the strong proponent of the notion that age is just a number. The past had molded me into becoming a person who is strongly attached to everything Japanese - the manganime, gemu, and not so much of, the food. How I even wish to live there for the rest of my life. Such farfetched dream T___T

The continuum of early and later experience had also shaped me into becoming who and what I am today. Had I gone through a different path, things oughta be different. Again, hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.

The journey of my varsity life which spanned across for 7 years now is about to come to an end. Of at least a month or two should I ever decide and am offered with the opportunity to pursue a Masters degree. Let me tell you something - the PYGMALION effect is demn tiring to live up to the exception on day-to-day basis. So I urge the public to stop imposing the expectancy theory incessantly. Make it stop. please.

What would become of my life then? What would I make of my life later? Having been leading a life at the comfort of the educational premise which is the varsity, admittedly, I never escape from taking few or many things for granted. When I first informed that I was successfully admitted to TESL, I was over the moon. Now that I think about it, I can only wonder where did all the excitement go?

To be competent, I believe in adopting Sun Tzu's Art of War. If your enemy is taking a step forward, then you must double it. Must always be a step ahead. I need to read the book again, since I forget 99% of the content now. LOL.

I need my other half so badly that it's not even funny that it doesn't rhyme. Hence, I might commit 'professional hypocrisy' at times upon listening to telltales of lovey-doveys.

Recently, I had been reading The Secret for quite some time now (reason: slow reading, even shorter attention span T__T) and it tells that really, the secret to a wonderful life is to be POSITIVE AT ALL TIME, or so I was told. Like, really? What about the other emotions, then? I always like to embrace the different sides of me and different emotions feel like different skin I am wearing and I like it. Such low Emotional Intelligence that I have ;p

Really? That I could no longer dwell on being MELANCHOLY? No fun T__T

I need to stop now.